I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
