I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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