I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
