he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
