Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize