he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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