I skipped work to stalk him.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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