So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
