Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
