There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
