The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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