i'm signing you up for texting rehab
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
