Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
