god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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