i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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