oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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