The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize