first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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