He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
