Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
