i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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