This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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