I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
