checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
