and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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