his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
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Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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