Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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