she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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