Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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