dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
