So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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