Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
