You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
