There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
