I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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