My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
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The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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