I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
