IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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