Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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