And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
