I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
