Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
