Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You ruined the universe
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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