also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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