i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
