So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
