Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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