just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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