Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
