I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
