If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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