What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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