dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
