3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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