i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
