walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
